THIS IS VERY PERSONAL and I'll probably end up taking it down but these are my thoughts...


Okay, obvivously I am not happy.


For instances, today I missed classes because I just couldn't get out of bed. Now at 6:30 at night I am still in the same spot I was this morning. I laid in bed all day with the TV on...I didn't watch it really. Just had it on and thought. I still am not sleeping or eating well. I mean I really do try but each day for me is a struggle. I don't know what to do because I am so unhappy that it is effecting everything in my life. Especially, my grades. I have two failing grades, a C, C- and a B. This is not like me. I know what you are probably thinking, that Will has really gotten to me. But thats not true. My grades didn't just happen. These have been getting this way all semester. Hanging out with Will just distracted me from how much I was unhappy with this place. I am happy that things did end with him because it made me really realize how unhappy I really am here. I find it so hard to explain to people how I feel. I talk to Ryan Sanctis everyday and he really is pushing to express myself better. What I feel isn't normal. I try to make myself happy but I just can't seem to ever get to that point. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a failure to my parents. I am the child that screws up. I hate that I have ever disappointed anyone and I get this overwhelming feeling of guilt everyday. Being here isn't getting any better. I am not doing well in school and not motivated. I can't learn because my mind is somewhere else. I really think I need to come home. I don't want to be miserable everyday anymore. I know going home I will still be upset but I want to be around people who love me. I have friends here, but like my Dad said I'll make friends no matter where I'll end up. I cry almost everyday and these past two plus weeks have been miserable because I finally realized that I shouldn't been feeling this way. I was reading back on my livejournal blog and it said multiple times since august that I feel think something is missing. I feel like I have too many emotional problems to be this far away from home right now. I need to focus on not feeling like this anymore because it is really eating me up. I feel so lost. I have honestly tried. But now I feel like I have given up.